Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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