best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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