when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
