The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Let's get the cat blown out
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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