Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
