I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
