my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
