There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
