Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
