Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up under a house in Key West
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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