Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
