I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Randomize
