Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
