life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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