I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just found puke in my bra..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
