Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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