god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
