Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
