well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize