oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
