I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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