Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
