my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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