Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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