dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Houston, we have a squirter
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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