that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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