My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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