How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
