I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
