literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
