a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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