Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
