You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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