Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize