between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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