I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
