Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
