Ambien. No doubt about it.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I could have mohawked her pubes.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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