i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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