someone threw a dead crab at me
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
