You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
