how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize