uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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