Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
