Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
