sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
it's like iHOP with fire
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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