you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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