Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
