woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize