I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
