i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
