May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
