i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
