he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
