the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize