my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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