My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
did i just pee glitter
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
