you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
