I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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