Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
